Unspoken Words
by The Little Monster 1024
Summary: Letters to Johanna. Kate writes letters to her Mom. She tells her all of the things she can't say outloud. She writes of life, cases, and Castle.


**AN: Okay, so this fic is going to be a little strange, but try to bear with me. So basically, Kate's therapist has told her that writing letters to her Mom might help her keep her memory alive in healthy ways. So, I'm going to write a litter to Johanna for each episode of season four, starting with Rise. I know that's a lot, so they won't be out on the day the episode is out…and the length of each letter will vary depending on what happens in the episode. I hope you like this!**

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><p><strong><em>Rise<em>; Letter One**

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><p>Kate flicked the lamp on that sat on the corner of her old wobbly desk. The light flickered for a few seconds before settling into a steady beam of light. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear before pulling her favorite pen from a cup in front of her. She sighed as she looked down at the blank sheet of notebook paper that was lying in front of her. She was stalling, she knew she was and she didn't care. She had counted every line on the paper at least twice. The corner of the paper had scribbles from where she ran her pen overtop of it carelessly. She didn't want to do this. How was it supposed to help? She was a grown woman…her Mom was dead. She couldn't answer her letter no matter how much she wanted her to.<p>

She knew that these letters would do the complete opposite of putting her Mom behind her. But, that was the intention. She had told her therapist she wasn't ready to put her Mom behind her. She shook her head in frustration as she let out an annoyed sigh. She was acting stupid. Just write the damn letter! She practically yelled at herself in her thoughts.

Kate sat up straight in her chair and took a deep breath, lowering her pen to the paper. Once the pen hit the surface of the paper, the words started flowing. She poured her mind…and heart into the paper, becoming completely lost.

_Dear Mom,_

_I thought this was a little ridiculous at first; my therapist (Yes, I see a therapist. He's supposed to be helping me with my shooting, but really all we talk about is you.) told me that writing letters to you could help me keep your memory alive in 'healthy ways.' He told me to write to you about my day, to talk to you as if I would if you were here. But, I don't know how well I'll be able to accomplish that…because you're not here and I know that…he said to use my imagination. I know I have one…or used to have one, but lately it's missing. I want this to be able to work; I want to be able to 'talk' to you. I guess I'll give it a try._

_I've just recently returned to the precinct, (You know I'm a Homicide Detective, right? I assume you've been…watching me from Heaven?) I had been gone for three months because of my shooting. Maybe I should explain that first. Three months ago, my team and I had been working on your case again. I had a man in custody by the name of Hal Lockwood. He was evil, despicable, and had something to do with your murder. I know he worked for the man that hired Dick Coonan to kill you. He managed to escape prison…he killed Captain Montgomery, only before Montgomery killed him. At Montgomery's funeral while I was speaking on his behalf, a sniper was pulled out on me. Castle tried to jump in front of me, but I was hit. It hit me right in the chest. I fell to the ground with Castle on top of me. _

_Three months later, and I'm back to work. The case we're working on now…I've noticed some problems. I get nervous and shaky when I have a gun to me, normally I'd stand my ground and take the criminal down, but this time I couldn't. I don't even mean to get all worked up…it's involuntary. Castle helped me through it though. It stood behind me and told me he knew I could do it. After that we were in the precinct talking about your case. He told me we had no leads; told me I had to step away from the case. I didn't want to Mom, I'm sorry, but I had to. Castle told me that we'd find your killer someday. I promise you that…just like Castle promised me._

_Speaking of Castle…I think I made a mistake. During the funeral, when he tackled me, he laded on top of me. He sat there and held me in his arms, watching the blood rush from my body just as the life trickled out slowly after it. He begged me to stay with him…he told me he loved me. That's the last thing I remember before everything went black. The next thing I know, I'm laying in a hospital bed with Josh (my ex) holding onto my hand. We talked for a little bit before Castle showed up. When he walked in the room, the look in his eyes was breathtaking. He acted as if he'd seem a ghost. I joked that he was staring because I looked awful, but he said it was because he thought he never see me again. I'd never heard him speak so seriously before. We talked and he asked me if I remembered the shooting…if I remembered him tackling me. And then I told him no, that I didn't remember anything. I just remembered everything going black. I lied to him. I just had to…I didn't know why but I did. I can't have a relationship with him yet…I can't. Then after lying to him, I left and didn't call or three months. He risked his life to jump in front of a bullet for me and I just left. During my recovery time I stayed with Dad, it was him who convinced me to go see Castle. So, when I was finally able to, I went to his book signing. I waited for hours in line. When I finally saw him he looked so hurt. I was so angry with myself for causing it. I waited for him after the signing. When he finally finished he walked right past me. I followed after him. He told me that I should've called…and I know I should've. I ended up walking away during the fight. And, I wouldn't tell anyone but you this, but I'm happy he followed me. If he hadn't who knows were we'd be right now. But, anyway, he followed after me. We sat on the swings and I told him that I couldn't be who I want to be or have the relationship I want until this wall I built around myself is gone._

_I miss you, Mom. I miss everything we used to do, and everything we never got the time for. Do you remember that you said you'd go for a ride with me on my motorcycle? I convinced you to and you finally agreed. We were going to do it that weekend. I know Dad misses you a lot too. He was a wreck after you died; he turned to the drink. I didn't know him for a while, but the again, I couldn't really recognize myself. But, he's sober now; has been for years. I'm so proud of him; I know you would be too. I miss you so much, Mom. Until I see you again. _

_Love,  
><em>_Katie _

Kate hadn't even realized that she began to cry until she finished writing and saw a tear lying on the sheet of the paper over the words 'I miss you', leaving it a little smudged. She wiped at her damp cheeks sat her pen down. She looked at the paper, in which she shared more with than all of the people in her life. She gently folded it and slipped it in a folder. She laid that folder in the bottom of her desk drawer.

She stood from her seat and made her way to her bedroom. She sat down on her bed and couldn't quite understand her current state of emotion. She had only written a letter for God's sakes. Her Mom was never going to read it; she'd never get a reply.

Kate sighed and slipped under the covers, pulling the covers to her chin. She closed her eyes trying to sleep, but her mind had other plans. Memories of her mother flooded her mind, causing more tears to fall. She realized that she could barely remember the way her Mom's face look, she couldn't remember the smell of her perfume that Kate had 'borrowed' hundreds of times, she couldn't remember what it felt like to be in her mother's embrace. She wiped away her tears, not wanting to cry anymore, feeling as if she'd done that enough over the last few months.

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><p><strong>AN: Yes, this is a little out of character but in my mind, she's a WHOLE lot different with her Mom. I promise letters to come should be better. BUT, before I waste my time doing this, does anyone WANT me to continue? YesNo? Leave a review please!**


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